today was pretty eventful. i woke up in an extremely self loathing mood and despite eating some pie after dinner, im not too horribly upset with my performance eating wise today. im just happy i got 10k steps tbh,,, maybe ill start doing that evry day. i ust pace around the backyard at home or whoever im pet sitting for when my boyfriends not able to talk 24/7. i guess upping my acitivity (??) will help me some way. add some daily exercise and ill be down 30. ive already lost 30, whats 30 more,,, anyway today i had to wrestle a stupid dead squirrel from some dog. if it was my dog wouldve just let her eat it, but it wsnt my dog, and i didnt feel like dealing with squirrel blood all over my nieghbors house. i kind of tore it in half when takin it from her. it looked cool asf... it inspired me to go watch more gore but my laptops a dad brick and i got bored because most of the gore i find is ust gun violence and grainy videos of losers in india beating their wives. laaaame. anyway, i might upload the photos. idk the rules of neocities lol so maybe not. my boyfriend and i didnt talk a lot today. maybe im just really clingy, but when we dont talk as much as we usually do, i convinve myself he hates me and wants to look for every reason to not have to talk to me. logically, i know that isnt how he feels about me. he wouldnt message me at all if he thought of me the way i think he thinks of me. (woah 3 forms of think in one sentence lol.) still, anxiety is irrational and tends to worm itself into my brain. especially when other people are involved. like yea yall have been friends your whole life and yall never had feelings for eachother but if yll do now!! hes also uhm,,, my only socialization. well, i hung out with people twice this week. both against my will. at least at the second one i was allowed to tell the people i was hanging out with that they were being innpropriate. loud, brash people in public make me want to rip my hair out. ugh and people without table manners. fortunately, ive gotten over my fear of eating in public because the reward is gratifying. people see you eat bigmeal people dont say anything. its sick asf hell yeah! also dont encourage peoples eating disorder unless they explicitly ask or it. its innapropriate and bit dissapointing. it hurts to see you talk like that to your friend. he's struggling, and it feels like youe ecouraging him. i'd be lying if i said i wasnt a little jealous of it too. id be lying if it wasnt an entirely selfish reason i got upset with that. he cn find his own enabler. youre mine. and i pray it doesnt upset you that i say that. i love you. in the most selfish way possible, i love you. anywayyyy ~!! i love my boyfriend and he means everything to me. he is mine. i am a selfish whore who wants him all to myself. he has his friends. i dont. i have him. he has me. it makes me feel a bit parasitic, but he's never allowed to leave me. he will never leave me. manifesting low key.... but we're getting married and ill do anythig for him. so long as he only treats me this way. so long as we're exclusive. so long as his behavior is for me as my behavior is for him. maybe its illogical to expect the same dedication that i give from another person. but he says he knows exactly what he was getting into when he asked me out. im glad he knows. im happy he'll read this and know how much i love him. read as obsession, maybe. yes read as obsession. my life revolves around him. its too much to ask the same back. improbable for anyone. but he tries and i know that and that all that matters. woah so much for holding him close to my chest. he is simply all i think about. all i talk about. all i get excited over. all i improve myself for. all i live for.

welcome back to my youtube channel. today we're talking about my life. because this is a blog. and this isnt youtube. uhm,,,, i made rolls today. milk bread rolls to be specific. speaking of which i just got them out of the oven. i enjoy baking because it passes the time and im objectively good at it. it doesnt always look the best because i am lazy, but they tast good. ive always gotten compliments on my baking. its my go to gift for people i know and dont know. friends, family, aquantansies (however the hell you spell that word...). you can usually tell how much i like you based on what i bake for you. brownies, blondies, and bars are the lowest because they take next to know effort on my part. i make everything from scratch, but i mean come one. brownies are one of the easiest things to make. then cookies. i use this as an all encompassing sort of thing because theyre versatile and most recipes take about as much effort as brownies. i still get fancy with them if i like you. sometimes for chocolate chip cookies ill brown the butter or use a mixture of chips and chunks for a better experience. then its cupcakes and cakes. i find cakes easier for transportation reasons, but cupcakes are just as well. ive only ever made a cake as a gift once. i have made cupcakes but that was simply because i was trying a new recipe and wanted feed back. unfortunately none of my peers know shit about baking so i always get "yummy". thank you imbecile. trya thesarus please. and thats from someone who needs a damned dictionary. anyway yeah. made the rolls for thanksgiving (because im mother truckin american brudda) tomorrow since theyd fall flat on the car ride to my grandmothers. i HATE going to that psychos house. she takes my sister and i to the back and does tarot readings. like hello im not schizophrenic that shits dumb as hell. she pays significatnly more attention to my sister than me though, so i dont complain much. i get to eat a shit load of food ansd as long as my parents dont see she doesnt say anything. damn i wish i had gotten more then(than?) my hieght from her because that lady has ate like shit her whole life nd shes still relatively skinny. her hearts lowkey failing cause of her sugar intake though lol. for reference shes about 4'10 now and 5'3ish when she was younger. ive been 5'2 since i was 10 or 11 lol. the curse of starting puberty at 9 ong *broken heart emoticon that i cant put here because im too lazy and felt like typing out a big long sentence instead). anyyyywaaaayyyyy. my parents have been fighting like hell recently. practically 3 minutes before my dad leaves for work he starts yelling at me for putting his wallet on another counter wear there was condensation from the drinks. and when my mom says it was her who did it he just kind of tears into her. he walks off and my mom lectures me for a bit because i was just trying to make the goddamn rolls that man was begging me to make and all i wanted was to know where the corn starch was. so my dad leaves without apologizing. he leaves angry . which is bad because then my mom tries to call him after he left (he hadnt told her he was leaving...) and she starts sobbing. she has a tendency to take it out on me since my sister wont sit through it anymore so i just kept making rolls and kneading dough. so my older sister sits with my mom and tells her off for being so hurt over my father acting like a child. and to be completely fair he was being immature. they both were. but she goes on this long rant about how hes been treating my mom isnt okay and that shes embarrassed to have him as a dad. and like. spit your shit girl. i was kinda eaves dropping the whole time. when it was finally time to let my rolls proof my mom had stopped crying so i lay with her and my sister for a bit. that was fine until they roped me into making food for them... guhhh. all day i was thinking about wtf i should write about today and in all honest i cant remember any of it. but saying that made me remember that i was listening to internet investigators video on ahenobarbahra's barbracide or whatever and i was a bit annoyed with her use of deep and dark web interchangeably. first off, the clear net is any link that you can get to by plugging a key word into your average search engine (google, firefox, yahoo, etc). this can include sites like twitter, facebook, etc - but also sites like livegore and xhamster and such. just because its nsfw doesnt mean its the "deep web". the "deep web" (which is a rather fear mongering name in my opinion), which makes up a good majority of the internet, is made up of urls and sites that you either get to directly through a link or by going through specific actions on a clear net site. i.e; an unlisted youtube video, my own blog page (not my home lol... if ykwim idrk im spitting shit rn though), and yes, even snuff, porn, and gore sites. just like the clear net. the "dark web" is only accessed through direct links/linktrees and usually include urls that can only be run on a torrent such as ".onion" and thats all i can remember right now. soz my dark web face was forever and a half ago. i hope that clears the air on that because its become increasingly annoying to listen to internet mysteries and hear the terms used wrong. ive gotten back into helldivers 2 today. played with this dude on an easy mission and he was cool asf. he taught me about using r to tweak my gun and 5 to go stealth with my gaurd dog. i friended him. im technically mid game at level 15, but this guy was level 87. wish i had that type of dedication to the space communism psuedo capitalism game. im feeling very old minecraft. feeling very i wanna make ugly builds and have fun doing jack shit. ive started drawing with my mouse on ms paint again. thats how i did my mainpage graphic. i did the lettering in canva, dog on ms paint with my cursor, and then ran it through remove.bg. i personally think my sites sick asf, but thats just me. my boyfriends been super sweet today. ive finally been able to get the mic interface he wanted, and i was super happy when i say him happy. in complete honesty hes the only person ive consistantly cared about for this long. its very nice. he's someone i could see spending the rest of my life with him. i think i may begin to be more private about him. he is extremely vital to my life, but my obsession contributed to me getting sick of spacehey. i will, of course, keep bringing him up. how could i talk about my life without him,, but maybe i can hold him closer to my chest. oh well thats something for future me to worry about. all i have to worry about actively is how little i have to starve myself in the week after tomorrow to not become obese from the food im gonna eat lol.

ive recently been taking pet sitting jobs around my nieghborhood. and by that i mean two seperate people have had me watch their animals. ive pet sat since the summer for one, the other is a girl i tutor. she doesnt come over anymore because i told her i didn't like when she came to my house, and i think she found some one else who was less mean about her lackluster performance in geometry. tis girl is the one im petsitting for actively. her house is exactly 11 houses away on the right of the road going up and thirteen to the right going down. i have to walk up a steep hill to get there. its not a particular interesting walk. it usually only takes me about 5 minutes to get there, but about 3 if i run. recently, my paranoia has returned ten fold. everyone is turning against me and no where in public is safe. i constantly feel like im being watched and monitered. i'd like to dilute myself and think its my lovely boyfriend, but i know whatever is watching me is bad. of course a rational part of me acknowledges this as meaningless paranoia. ive had severe hallucinations before, and often experience mild ones when experiencing intense emotions. my parents love to tell me im not really hallucinating and im making it up. which is illogical... because, no shit i made it up??? lollllllllllllll.... anyway i kinda forgot where i was going with that other than saying that i think im being gang stalked. i might post about it on 4chan when i get a chance. oops rambled so i deleted that part kek. my moms been annoyed with my forgetfulness lately. she thinks there might be something wrong with me. i forgot the instructions that girl gave me for petsitting. i forgot whether or not my sister had left for work. i keep getting words mixed. plus she says my speech has been confusing. my speech is normally confusing though. especially when i dont take time to thing about what im saying. things just come out like a jumbled pile of mush and it takes a moment to decipher. im getting off topic. ive always been forgetful so i dont know why shes just now noticing it. i have this weird craving for that vodka my sister let me try. i might drink some apple cider vinegar instead. i kinda want that burning sensation. i love the feeling of something scalding me. i like to secretly touch boiling water and hot pans and curling irons. i drink my tea halfway to boiling because i like when my tongue goes numb. i liek the feeling of alchohol and vinegar on my throat. i dont drink. in my whole life ive had a beer and a half a shot of vodka. i have a very addictive personality. i know that if i fell into the habbit of drinking id never get out of it. i come from a long line of alcoholics and drug addicts. i like to dilute myself and say i'll never end up like that since my parents are not like that. but they sort of are. both have a scary addiction to food. i get upset with them over it. i want them to eat better because i would not be able to tolerate living with my sister when they inevitably die by 48. im hypocritical on that sense. if they tell me to eat better, be it eating more, less, oer better, i do the staunch opposite. is staunch a word to use there? sometimes words enter my mind and i assume ive learned them somewhere and just forgot. im a very defiant person. i rarely enjoy following directions. that said im also indecisive, and when i dcare to be, a people pleaser. i follow what my boyfriend says to a t. or is it tee? never the less (or is it one word like nevertheless? what a useless language) i ask him what he wants me to be and i listen. i love this man with all my heart. in all honesty he is the only reason i continue to live. i'd probably have killed myself a few motnhs ago if we hadnt met. i can never tell whether that fact should make happy or sad, so i only thank him or bring it up when hes helped me out of a spiral. anyway food addiction. sorry i stared blankly at my moniter for a good 30 seconds trying to remember what the hell i was talking about. yeah, my parents eat a shit load of food and i think its gross. they fuel my hatred of fat people. also my dad is like crazy hooked on caffiene. he's got caffiene pills and everything. freaks be out. a lot. oh well. they funnel off brand diet mountain dew (diet mountain lightning) down my gullet so im not complaining in anyway. other than the complaining i just did. recently my algorithm has made more and more brash decisions and i am getting sick of the consumerist ai trying to wriggle its way into my mind and create the ideal worker for a mundane, lifeless society. a majority of the internet is already ai. dead internet theory and all. i wouldnt be surprised if half the views i get on this site are artificial robots trying to learn more about me and market to a poor ddefensless dog girl who spends her days and nights online. theyre all evil, i bet. i refuse to radicalize myself on most issues, but ai is one i despise. its not even that i prefer human intelligence over it. itsjust too obsessed. it knows too much. just like i despise algorithms. thats why i used spacehey. algorithm free. also is it algorithm or algorithim. both look right but im betting on the more consanant heavy one. i spent half of today wondering why i felt gross before realizing i hadnt eaten lol. i ate some popcorn... that weighed out to 63g but my fitness pal wouldnt tell me how much that was so i just put in 200 kcals for it. and then i ate roasted broccoli and pork loin. i despise porkloin. ive suddenly - as of today, i suppose - come to hate the texture and even the thought of eating it again makes me nauseas. or maybe thats the thought of eating in general. i dont need food i just need my attack on titan gamer fuel and diet mountain dew. have i mentioned i like zero calorie, artificial suagr lace green food dye? its delicios. delicious??? okey yeah whatevs im done spelling shit. maybe ill do this consistantly but i doubt it.